[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”