Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

This bar smells like my childhood.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.