Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

🙋‍♀️

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts