My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Breaking news:
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Bring back the McRib
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.