What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You Might Also Like
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?