Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler