Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Drive like no one is watching.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.