Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd