Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

What about second breakfast?

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

imagine getting destroyed like this

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.