I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Take care of yourself, ladies
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things