me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
You Might Also Like
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
no one likes gloating
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.