[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Girl, same.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”