If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
The funk soul brother
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
the noise i just made
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce