We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.