I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd