Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.