celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
What
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
do horses think humans are hats
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”