Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

here we go again

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

out-housing market appears to be strong

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?