Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*