Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Oh no

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you