When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
that would 100% work on me
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.