visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation