In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc