What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
What the hell happened here.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun