The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
tag yourself
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?