Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.