Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.