Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.