The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The best shot in the history of golf
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch