Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

And that about sums it up.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil