The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
What’s a Messi?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.