[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.