Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Cold.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*