I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK