WHY would you be happy about this?
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”