“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.