Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah not falling for this one

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Worth remembering.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

me logging onto twitter

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

men are simple creatures

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE