feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Print is alive and well!!!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no