Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”