I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.