*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I can’t deal with men any longer
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.