A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.