Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”