Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.