Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

😂😂

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.