me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
