Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂