accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.