Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me trying to reach for my goals
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
