Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

I think the cat got the dog high.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

go easy on yourself <3

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.